Today, in the car my daughter asked me when was the 1st time i had sex i answered 16 being honest, my daughter is 14 years old and she replied "beat you to it" that was her way to tell me that she's pregnant FML

When I was a kid my father sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should wear a condom. The funny thing is they were all pictures of me. I hate my dad.

If Barack Obama and Peter Griffin switched places, I don't think anyone would notice.

I told my stepmom that my dad said i should go out for basketball. She looked at me and said, "why? your not gonna make the team." this is proof that shes a terrible stepmom. I hate her.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

So I was wearing my favorite pair of jeans today and my dad says "Your camel toe is showing". I hate my parents.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Life’s a bitch, ’cause if it was a slut, it’d be easy.

Today I went to play Videogames and my controller was missing. I went to ask my older sister if she has seen it and she had it, but she was not using it to play videogames. FML.

Better to be safe than punch a 5th grader.