Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was a salted

Today, I learned there is a taste difference between grabbing a glass of milk that has been sitting on your night table for a week and the one you put on there 3 minutes before. FML

Katt Williams was arrested early Monday morning in Georgia and is being held on charges of burglary and criminal trespassing. He's being held in Coweta County jail and is set to face a judge today. : http://www.tmz.com/2009/11/09/katt-williams-arrested-burglary-georgia/

If Barack Obama and Peter Griffin switched places, I don't think anyone would notice.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Better to be safe than punch a 5th grader.

Today I went to play Videogames and my controller was missing. I went to ask my older sister if she has seen it and she had it, but she was not using it to play videogames. FML.

Today, I got a job at McDonald's because I've been really needing money. After work, I got some food with the Monopoly pieces. I completed the set for $5,000, but I can't claim it because I work for McDonald's. FML

Today, I came home from school early cos i felt ill, i saw my mum had changed my sheets and got into bed with some toast and chocolate spread, as i did this i dropped the toast on the bed smearing chocolate all over the cover, now it looks like i shat myself. FML

A man was sentenced to two years of probation for sending sexually explicit Christmas cards of his ex-girlfriend to her relatives. http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/bizarre/6692192.html