Today, in the car my daughter asked me when was the 1st time i had sex i answered 16 being honest, my daughter is 14 years old and she replied "beat you to it" that was her way to tell me that she's pregnant FML

When I was a kid my father sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should wear a condom. The funny thing is they were all pictures of me. I hate my dad.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Better to be safe than punch a 5th grader.

Today, my good buddy of about two years set me up on a blind date. I got to the meeting point and realized that my date was a guy. My "buddy" honestly thought I was gay. FML

Life’s a bitch, ’cause if it was a slut, it’d be easy.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was a salted

Q: Why don't lions play cards in the jungle? A: Because there's too many cheetahs